Ello.

I am at work rather early and have some time to kill so I'm updating again.

I did not move. Mike moved out. I stayed where I was. I'm kind of glad I did. I love my roommates. Well, I love Lane and Katelyn. She doesn't technically live there but she should.

I am single.
I do not mind.
I'm not so codependent.
I'm been enjoying myself.
I've been enjoying focusing on just me for a while and focusing on the things that make me happy.

I've been putting a lot of time and effort into my car. I end up with more and more problems and have recently began to think its not worth it but I'm forcing myself to look at end result instead of the road there... It has become a very healthy hobbie for me. Putting me a healthy state off mind. Being able to visually see the results makes me feel really good about myself and really feel like I'm accomplishing something. Although she isn't aesthetically pleasing just yet, I'm very proud of her slow improvments. She will be.

I also got a new dog. Nathan kept Bella. He won't let me have her. I fought for her for a while and eventually gave up. She has a good home. He takes care of her. She isn't mistreated in any way and she's happy. Just not with we. Sadness. The new dog is Riley. He is an American Bulldog. I got him from a rescue. He is a good dog. I love him. He doesn't really know any basic commands just yet but he is learning. I've had him for a couple of days so far. He is doing well. I enjoy having him there. He is already pretty protective. I think that after only these few days he would bite someone who posed a threat. I already love him. I hate his white hair that covers my bed.. I'm beginning to wash sheets daily. He's a good boy though. The rescue is actually going to write an article about Riley and me for their local paper to promote bully breed adoptions. That made me smile.

I'm currently (as for yesterday) car pooling to work with my roommate and Mama Erica. They both work in Nashville and I work in Murfreesboro so I'm on the way. I'm getting in the habit of getting up at 5:00 and 5:30. It will be good for when I start driving myself again. I intend on trying to wake early and working out a bit before work. Hoping the habit can stick.

I'm currently trying to obtain healthy habits. Things that will improve my physical as well as mental health and better shape my self image along the way. I didn't realize how damaged Nathan left me until recently. I was recently described as "too damaged to love". Alough it was just meant to be hurtful, I focused on it for a bit. After really thinking about it, I am. I'm not happy with me. Why would anyone else be?

I've also decided that I don't need someone else to make me happy. I'm making myself happy. I've been going to bed each night rather content. I know that I've said this is what I need to do over and over again and then fell into my same pattern but I'm proud of actually sticking to it. I've avoided situations and people that would force me back into it. I don't really have too much self control. Its too easy. Really.. its not very hard to make me fall in love.. I mean hell. Read back a bit. All it takes is making me smile and helping forget my problems.

My most recent thought has been that I possibly want to be an English teacher. I've been wanting to go to school for a while and have even thought about taking english classes online for the fun of it in my spare time. Its a thought. Its likely that I will stick to finance, but it would make me happy.

Taking small steps to improvement though. Working on my whole self empowerment thing lately. Hoping it goes well. Hoping I stick to it. Hoping to build myself back up and once again be worth a damn.

xoxo
Tasha

Guess what?

I was wrong. It only took a brief month to figure that out. I would go into what went wrong and what happened but I'm not in the mood or state of mind to do so right now.

I am single.

I am moving.

I am starting over. Again.

I'm not going too far. I'm moving a mile from my office instead of 80 miles round trip.

I'm focusing on me for a while. Or at least I say that now.

Lets start a count down right now..

Lets see how fast it takes the next one to sweep me off my feet.






Or maybe I was dropped hard enough this time to have some fucking sense.

I haven't wrote in a long time. My has changed drastically, as always.

Nathan and I broke up at the beginning of the year. My life when in some crazy directions for a few months and I searched for what I wanted and needed in life.

I'm now working at Citizens Savings & Loan. I started on June 30th. It is another loan company. We are locally owned and do everything from mortgages to personal loans. I enjoy and love my coworkers.

On June 22nd, my former roommate called his bestfriend in South Carolina just to chit chat and I, in my intoxicated state, took the phone from him and left a very entertaining voicemail.

He called back and we talked for hours. This continued for a while. He and I became pretty damn good friends. I ended up spending every waking moment communicating with him. I texted him all day throughout work. I called him and hear his voice at every break, and I fell asleep with him on the phone every night. He was a complete stranger and completely consumed my life. I loved every minute of it. I fell in love with a voice over the phone. He provided everything I need at 450 miles away.

He came to visit for my former roommates birthday. July 24th. He was here.. in person.. and everything I had wanted him to be.

He was suppose to stay until the 28th or 29th depending on his work schedule. Well, that days rolls around and I was deeply depressed. I went to work and he was suppose to be gone when I returned. I got home, he was there. That night it was decided that he was going home at 4am. Everyone except me was going with him to get his things and he would be back to following day. He moved.

It has been a month now. He treats me better than I can even imagine. If you read in my pervious entry "Cinderella" there is a list of things that I just want.. he is all of that and more.

He and I have had to work out some bugs along the way. He's had to learn to deal with me and my issues and I've had to learn to try to let him in. I'm doing so slowly.

The communication between us is better than it ever has been with anyone in my past. He and I talk about everything. We solve every argument.. Let me rephrase that.. HE makes me talk about everything. HE makes us solve our problems. He's exactly what I needed in so many ways. He balances me in so many ways.

He asked me to marry him. We've been talking about it a lot. He proposed to me in front of my boss and everyone. I had thought it was a joke at first but.. apparently it was serious. Was very cute.

I suppose that means I am now engaged. We plan to get married on June 22, 2012. Unsure where. I would prefer Vegas but he wants something real. Maybe on the beach in Charleston, South Carolina, maybe in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. We have a lot of decisions to make.

I'm terrified. I do want it.. but I am scared. I'm afraid of such a permenant decision.

He and I had an argument on Sunday about the people I talk to and the things that are said, whether ir be in a joking manner or not.

He is the first relationship I've had in a very long time that hasn't insisted on me dropping all of my guy friends period, end of story. I took advantage of that. I continued to joke and play as I always have and his feelings were hurt in the process.

Looking in his eyes and understanding his pain hurt me on so many levels. I fixed the problem.. or I'm at least working on doing so.

So..
June 22, 2010 I should be married if I haven't screwed it up before then.


I have some actual work to do at work, I may attempt to write again soon.

Tasha

He'll never stop.

I want someone to love me as much as I love him.

I want to be the last thing he thinks of at night and the first thing in the morning.

I want him to look at me while I sleep and smile at the thought of laying next to me every night for the rest of his life.

I want him to think of me during the day and smile.

I want someone who always wants whats best for me and knows that I'm always going to want whats best for him.

I want him to kiss my forehead.

Suprise me with sweet gestures I don't expect.

I want a random call or text throughout the day just saying he loves me or that I'm special.

I want him to KNOW I'll never leave if he never hurts me.

I want him to KNOW that I'll never hurt him.

I want him to avoid saying things he knows I'm insecure about.

I want him to tell me he loves me even when he's angry.

I never want to go to sleep angry.

I want to hear him laugh and see him smile and know that I make him happy.

I want him to kiss my tears away, even if it seems like Im crying for no reason.

I want him to hold me when I'm scare.

I want him to tell me everything will be okay, whether it will or not.

I want him to take care of me when I'm sick

and be strong when I'm weak.

I want him to complete me.